my mind
I mean to sit down and write but, i always find something else to do but right now, im just gonna buckle down and type while listing to my Francois Couperin radio on pandora!
I have spent a great deal of my life removed from the "real" world. At first I spent time reading, gaining knowledge from text books and living in fantasy worlds. At some point i realized that living there was prolly not the best thing for me to do so, i surfaced and, i found hardly a ting that i liked. Nothing was like it was in the books, it disappointed me greatly so, knowing i should not go back, i found another place to loose myself. Ya see, i am a problem solver and, when i have a problem that i WANT to solve, i become so engrossed in it that i do literally forget to eat and sleep and only barely do i remember to use the rest room. In essence, i loose myself. I found that there are always computer problems and therefore, always a way to not get lost. Technically i would be in the real world, and that is what i tricked myself with, making myself thing that somehow this way was a better way, that loosing myself in real world problems was a much better and safer way but, its really the same thing!
I wanted to be be detached cause, well, i did (and do) not feel attached. This world does not feel right to me. It if full of sinners. We are all fallen, we are all broken and only God can save us, only God can fix us. Spending time locked away in a world that we create is, like Steven Curtis Chapman says, playing game boy standing in the middle of the grand canyon, eating candy sitting at a gourmet feats, wading in a puddle when we could be swimming in the ocean... if we open our eyes we will see that he created a world FAR better then ANY world we can create! He is our creator and not only did he create something so complex as the human body, he created the WHOLE world! the oceans, the mountains, the valleys, EVERYTHING! I find it all discouraging at times though. He created all this and he is so great why would he care about lil ole me? simple answer is that i am his son. he loves me with a love that is beyond our comprehension and that is stunning!
This world can be a drag cause we are sinners and, people will always disappoint but, God will be there. Without his love we can not truly love. our little relationships have no depth when we dont derive our love form our heavenly father.
People mean so much to me, they are my life (when i live it). I care about some people to the point that some people would prolly think of me as a loony or something else that i cant come up with right now. Every little detail about these people matters to me so much. I care about were they are, what they are up to and, maybe it is a little stalkerish but, think about it. we mirror Gods love and yet, we can not come close to the capacity for love that he has. He wants to know about every second of our lives and its not good enough for him to simply know it, cause he sees our every move, he wants us to tell him personally. now, i am in NO way trying to equate myself to God its just, i cant help but feel that my loving makes God happy. that my deep, deep love for his children, my brothers and sisters, is what he wanted. it hurts when i dont feel it back but, i remember that it is not the love of people i need, it is the Agape love that i can only find though God that will sustain me.
I dont have many people in this world i call friends cause, that term means a great deal to me, my friends are those that i trust and that i care about more them most, and when it comes to best friends, the people that i would tell my deepest and darkest secrets to, now those people i love with all my being and more. these people mean so much to me that, to give my life for them would not be enough, nothing would be enough. I prolly annoy them by constantly telling them i love them but, i dont know what else to do, i try to show them but, i feel like i can never do enough. The hardest part, is not feeling the same kind of love back. It does not have to be reciprocal at all, i dont love simply cause someone has loved me, its much deeper then that, i love people that hate me but, to not feel loved by people that are suppose to love me or that people i want to love me hurts. they may love me, i wont deny that but, the way they show it is very different and i dont understand it.
Love is important and needs to be freed from modern stipulations. it is something to be proud of not hidden. I find that men shy away from expressing love because, to love is looked on as a feminine quality and in today's society to love another guy is "proof" that you are gay and that is so VERY wrong! David loved Jonathan with all his being, and their relationship was looked upon as favorable.
With ALL of my being i love those i call friends and i will always love them. Just as my fathers love is unwavering so i strive to make mine but, i am human and it will falter but, though him i will right it. I love you Jake, I love you Blake, I love you Keagan, I love you Jedidiah, I love you Jeremy, I love you Jason, I love you Kevin, I love you Lisa, I love you Chellee, I love you Nicki, I love you Nathan, I love you Maria, and I love you Rachel. I love you all with all my heart and always will.
posted by Unknown at
11:17 PM
1 Comments:
If I speak in the tongues[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is LOVE.
1 Cor. 13
I know that this is a chapter used oh so commonly in the christian relationship, but take this to heart. Brother, be patient, be kind, and do not keep records of these wrongs. Though it pains me to hear you say that you do not feel some peoples love in return (and in many ways, I understand this), know that the lovethat you strive to accomplish wwithin yourself is higher. Know that the love of God is higher. When we, as brothers and sisters, fail to love you in return, it is our humanity. WE are, after all, only human, and imperfect, incomplete beings. But know this: I am proud to call you friend.
Bob, of all the gifts, and all the things you could accomplish in this real world, if you have not love, then they are nothing. But you, YOU STRIVE to love. and for this I am proud of you. I do not boast in you, but in the vessel GOD is creating you to be. If you had all the riches in this world, but had not love, you would be poorer than the lowers pauper. But you sir, ARE RICH! You strive for a love only God can give, and you strive to show a love that only GOD can portray through you. and for this, I rejoice in calling you friend.
When we are yet young in our faith, and even at times when we are old, but yet immature, then we act as a child would toward God. We reasoned our faith childishly, we sought our father like a child, wishing nly to be cuddled in his arms. But when we grow in our faith, when we become a man (or woman) of God, yes we strive to be with our God, but we also strive to be LIKE our father, we strive to make him PROUD of our lives, and we grow. And bob, GOD IS PROUD of the man you are becoming. God is pleased with your love, and dont for a second think otherwise.
Be in this world, but do not be of it. Love those in this world, but tdo not love LIKE this world. You, friend, are on the correct path. And know that God is pleased. Know thatI am proud to call you friend. And know that more, Godly change, is yet to come.
Love,
your brother in christ
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